Among the most effective means of getting the message out about your social service, lack of human rights, or inadequate government funding, is telemarketing. And what better way to get out the message of the Canadian Cat Meat Marketing Board than an aggressive campaign of telemarketing surveys? Here you will find a sample survey script that will be unleashed any day now. You can expect to be called at dinner, or when you are on the toilet, or having sex ...

Hello! I am calling from the Telemarketing Sub-Committee of the TeleSales Committee of the Marketing Directorate of the Canadian Cat Meat Marketing Marketing Board. Can I speak with someone who is directly involved in decision making about food preparation, selection, or serving?

Thinking of Cat Meat compared to other meats, would you say it is:

The Best, One of the Best, Neither the best nor not the best, Not as good as others, Not familiar with cat meat

Of the following four condiments, which condiment do you most strongly associate with, and which do you least strongly associate with?

Relish Mustard Ketchup Mayonaisse

How many house cats, including kittens, do you have in your home?

Comparing roast cat with mixed vegetables and gravy with raw squid, would you prefer or not prefer roast cat with mixed vegetables and gravy?

Strongly prefer, Slightly prefer, Neither prefer nor not prefer, Slightly not prefer, Strongly not prefer

Are you aware of the availability of canned cat meat and canned cat meat by-products in your favourite shopping venue?

Completely aware, Slightly aware, Neither aware nor unaware, Slightly unaware, Completely unaware

Are you aware of the availability of cat meat pepperoni or cat meat spiced sausage for pizza toppings or submarine sandwich ballast?

Completely aware, Slightly aware, Neither aware nor unaware, Slightly unaware, Completely unaware

Can you comment on the availability of frozen or fresh rattlesnake, iguana, or gnu at your favourite shopping venue. Would you agree or disagree that frozen or fresh rattlesnake, iguana, or gnu is

Readily available, Somewhat available, Neither available nor unavailable, Somewhat unavailable, Completely unavailable

How often do you consume food in a sports arena washroom cubicle?

Frequently, Somewhat Frequently, Neither frequently nor infrequently, Somewhat infrequently, Completely infrequently

Do you concur or not concur with the following statements ...

Cat meat is Greasy, Cat meat is Tough, Cat meat is Stringy, Cat meat is Slimy, Cat meat is Halal, Cat meat is Kosher, Cat meat is Vegan, Cat meat is Vegetarian, Cat meat is Fun , Cat meat is Youthful, Cat meat is Responsible to the Environment,

 Strongly concur, Slightly concur, Neither concur nor not concur, Slightly not concur, Strongly not concur

Common obstacles: 

Take me off your call list: As a government agency, we are not bound by law, convention, or morality. Your refusal to take this telemarketing call is a hate crime. Answer the questions or you will be fined.

I do not eat cat meat: You are a racist. Influential members of all political parties, except the evil heteronormative Conservative party, frequently make merry about this subject. You are intolerant. Answer the questions or you will be fined.

I am busy right now: You are a racist. Make time. You are intolerant. Answer the questions or you will be fined.

Special thanks to annonymous commenter Warren for this telemarketing script. We will be sending Warren a cheque for 210,500.00 dollars for consulting fees. Thanks Warren!

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this

xpd Mitchieville, DustMyBroom